Her touch feels good and I instantly hate myself for thinking that, for not pushing her away. I don't deserve this comfort or this kindness, no matter how much I want it.
I know she's right about the anger though. But I've been angry my entire existence. Angry at my creator, at Ben, at myself. I don't see how I can't be angry at myself. How I can't hate myself.
"I killed myself," I finally say. I don't mention how good that felt, because I don't know if I can convey that to her. "My former self, it was in that place. It- I was bigger, faster, stronger then. Healed fast. Could see the future. But I did it. I killed him. I thought that would make it better. But the way she looked at me... I shouldn't have good things in my life. She was right to leave."
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2012-10-21 09:00 pm (UTC)I know she's right about the anger though. But I've been angry my entire existence. Angry at my creator, at Ben, at myself. I don't see how I can't be angry at myself. How I can't hate myself.
"I killed myself," I finally say. I don't mention how good that felt, because I don't know if I can convey that to her. "My former self, it was in that place. It- I was bigger, faster, stronger then. Healed fast. Could see the future. But I did it. I killed him. I thought that would make it better. But the way she looked at me... I shouldn't have good things in my life. She was right to leave."