onewhoisall | (no subject)

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kaine

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Kaine. He's missing, I have been searching. Looking for him since I surprised him but unable to find him. It takes me a while but I find him, finally, in a dark alley. The shape of his body familiar enough by now that it makes me stop, hesitate and pause before I drop from the rooftop into the alley and land silently. My nose wrinkles, the smell of booze and urine fill my nostrils as I move towards him. I creep forward, eyes taking in the bottle and the hint of hair on his cheeks as I approach him from behind. I understand him before I see him.

I don't talk to him, don't give him the chance before I strike out quick and sharp at a bundle of nerves. I murmur an apology as his body goes slack and I move forward to catch him. The bottle breaks and I pull him away from it before collapsing back against the building. He is heavy in my arms but I have carried heavier.

"Kaine," I murmur, a soft apology before I move his weight slightly. I struggle but it is a struggle that I can bear. Lifting the grapple gun, I fire it before hooking his body to mine. We fly together, slowly across the city and when he begins to stare I hit him again. It is only when we are safe back at my apartment that I will allow him to waken.

I place him in the shower, grunting at the weight and rubbing my shoulder at the tension. I glance looking around before my eyes settle on the cannister, taking the razor and foam I move over to him before straddling his waist. The cool of the tiles soothes me as I ignore the smell, the presence of him and concentrate on the task at hand. I do not slip, I shave him cleanly before I reach up, moving close to him before I press the on button.

He will be angry but I am ready. I will not allow him to destroy himself.

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I don't know how long it's been since I was in that place. Days or weeks I don't know and I don't care. I should still be back in that place. That's where monsters belong. That's where I belong.

All I know now is whatever booze I can get a hold of and just feeling miserable for myself. Not, that's not it. I don't pity myself, I hate myself. I hate myself for thinking I can have good things in my life. But I can't. I don't deserve them. I deserve to be back in that place.

When I wake up the shock of the cold water is the first thing that I notice, the pain is the second. Someone has hit me, hurt me, and I try and lash out against them but I can't move.

"Get off me!" I roar at them, thrashing me body. "I'll kill you!"

The water soaks through the thin cotton of her t-shirt, making it cling to her body as she ducked her head beneath the steady spray of cold water. She is prepared for the jerk of his body, the anger but she doesn't move. Wiping wet hair plastered to her face from her eyes, she pressed her hand against his chest and made a soft tch noise at him.

"No you won't," Cass murmured, shifting back on his lap. Her hands were soft, gentle as she touched him. "Kaine..."

When I see who it is holding me here, I stop struggling quite so much. Not completely though, because even if it is someone I know, I'm not going to just let myself be held down.

She's not letting me get away, but I know she's being gentle. She know doubt knows a hundred ways to incapacitate me that would be more effective and more painful. I wish she would use those, I deserve the pain.

"Let. Me. Go," I growl at her, scowling as she sits there, perched on top of me. I don't want this. Don't need it. I don't need help or pity, I just need to be left alone.

He struggles beneath her and she rolls back smoothly, crouching before standing. She reached over him, turning the heat on so that the water was hot and not cold before she placed her hand against either side of the stall. She glared at him, raising an eyebrow in plain challenge at him.

"No... not yet. Shower first," Cassandra replied simply. She was being gentle as gentle as she could be but she would not back down on this. He was her friend, she wouldn't let him harm anyone including himself.

Leaning against the wall, she kept one arm outstretched and blocking his exit as she shivered. She squeezed the end of the t-shirt with one hand before letting it fall back against her chest, her chill obvious as she stood before him scowling.

I can probably smash my way through the bathroom wall to the outside, or whatever room is next to this one. I almost do it but when I look at her I just sag back against the wall. It doesn't matter. She can shave me and make me shower and then I'll be right back on the street.

"You're freezing," I tell her. "You look like a wet cat. I'm not worth this."

"Yes, you are." Cassandra replied just as stubborn as him She shivered, back arching against the cool surface before she took a step closer to him. She reached out a hand, slow and steady and careful before she placed her hand beneath the water and the heat coming off it. She wouldn't give him an inch. "You're my friend, of course you're worth it."

Her eyes glanced over his shoulders, chest and side looking for injury. She frowned, scrunching her nose up before she rubbed her eyes and tugged her hair out of her face.

"You look like an idiot. Nothing new then Flamingo Boy," Cass said before she asked the question. "You're okay?"

"You don't get it," I say as I watch her near. "People, especially good people, should stay away from me. I don't deserve friends or help."

She's stubborn, but I'm more stubborn. Or at least I think so. She thinks I'm worth helping, but I know I'm not. I'm not even a real person. Not even an animal. I'm a soulless monster that will never escape his past. Nor should I be allowed to.

"I'm a failed experiment. A monster. I couldn't even stay in hell because I don't have a soul and all I do is get people around me hurt when I should be hurt."

Her lips parted, nose wrinkling as she turned her head to stare at him in disbelief. He thought she was good? Shaking her head she reached out with a flat hand, palm going to his chest in a gentle but annoyed nudge.

"You think I'm good?" Cass asked, shaking her head at him. The water sprayed her lightly before she scowled at him even more. "I'm not. You, you deserve friends. Everyone does. You're not a monster."

Cass scowled, taking a step closer to him. She didn't understand how he could be so stupid, how he could believe that about himself. Not when she saw him as something else entirely.

"You're not a monster, don't call yourself that. You have a soul," Cass replied. "You need more training that's all. More training and control. You're... angry."

When she shoves me, I stand up straighter, squaring my shoulders and my fists clench in anger. I know I'm not angry at her, not entirely. I hate myself for getting in this position in the first place. I never should have made friends. Never should have tried to make a real life for myself.

"You don't get it. Someone grew me in a lab. I'm just a failed experiment. I don't need training. I don't need control. I need to die but I can't even do that right."

I'm practically shaking with anger now, but I have no real outlet for it. With a roar I lash out, fist flashing past her head to smash into the tile behind her. She doesn't even flinch though, like she knows I won't really hit her.

"I hate you," I say, but we both know that's a lie. She's not the one I hate. "Do you know what happened back home to the person that cared about me? In all my life, only one person ever loved me. She knew I was a monster. A killer. I looked and acted grotesque and she still loved me and do you know what I did? I killed her. I killed her because she hadn't told me she was a dirty cop. The only person to ever love me and I killed her over something so stupid."

I can't take it anymore and I drop back to the ground hard; arms resting on my knees and head hanging between them. I don't have the energy for this anymore. Janine. Janine loved me and I killed her.

"You tell me anyone human, anyone with a soul, could do something like that."

She watches his reaction calmly, placing her feet as she watches the inhale and exhale of his body and how she can feel the anger building inside him. She ignores the words, cutting and harsh and listens to him barely moving when he punches the wall beside her. She can feel the air, hear the crack of cool tile beside her but she doesn't move.

She sighs, watching as he dropped to the floor before taking a step closer finally reacting to him. She presses her leg against his before she turns, sliding down beside him. Leaning back in the water she reached for his hand, touching his arm gently before sliding along his skin to his hand.

"You are more than that, more than an experiment. You are a person with a soul even if you don't believe it," Cass murmured gently, her words echoing in their small space. "I believe it... you made a mistake because you let your anger control you. You're angry, you don't think I am? I'm angry all the time but I control it, you need control. Trust me."

Her touch feels good and I instantly hate myself for thinking that, for not pushing her away. I don't deserve this comfort or this kindness, no matter how much I want it.

I know she's right about the anger though. But I've been angry my entire existence. Angry at my creator, at Ben, at myself. I don't see how I can't be angry at myself. How I can't hate myself.

"I killed myself," I finally say. I don't mention how good that felt, because I don't know if I can convey that to her. "My former self, it was in that place. It- I was bigger, faster, stronger then. Healed fast. Could see the future. But I did it. I killed him. I thought that would make it better. But the way she looked at me... I shouldn't have good things in my life. She was right to leave."

She tugs his hand away from his knee, forcing his body to open up a little to her before she slides closer to him. Her lips part in a soft exhale, shivering as she draws her own knees to her chest and tugs his arm around her but loose so that he has the freedom to move if he wants to.

"You killed him, the one I remind you of or another clone? He's not you, you're not him. You're not the same but that doesn't have to be a bad thing," Cassandra said, forcing herself to speak. He deserved to listen to her in a language he could understand. She couldn't show him what she meant, not without him freezing again like he had done before. "No, she wasn't. You're... you can be good. Do you want to change?"

I pull her a little closer and run my hand along her arm to try and keep her warm. She doesn't have the body fat or the muscle to warm up quickly after trying to keep me in the cold shower.

"Me. It was me," I explained. "What I used to be line. I was imperfect. An imperfect clone. My body was degenerating, killing itself. But the healing factor slowed it down. It- it made me crazy. But made me taller, stronger and faster and... all those things. Scars every where. The other Kaine kidnapped... kidnapped a friend. That's what made me finally face him and kill him. She learned about my past through and... Sybil was right to leave. She's too... good. Too... not a part of our world. That's when I realized it doesn't matter if I want to be good. I'll never deserve good things."

He talked about being dangerous, about not having a soul, about being a monster but he was protecting her even now. His arm tugged her close against his warmer body, his worn and rough hands rubbing against her arms trying to keep her warm. Words were lies, he said one thing but his body betrayed him. His body showed his true nature, beneath all the anger and the pain there was a good man not a monster.

She didn't understand his words, she only followed half of the story but what mattered was him. What mattered was helping her friend, it was what Steph would have done. And Steph wouldn't have left.

"You do deserve good things Kaine, you just don't think that you do." Cass said before her brow furrowed, nose crinkling as she turned her head to look at him before she nudged him. "You told a hn, civilian?"

I'm not going to argue with her about deserving good things. She isn't going to change her mind and I don't want to make her frustrated or upset.

"Couldn't help it," I explained. "There were monsters all over the place. She kind of noticed I wasn't human and there's not a lot of people spinning webs. I, ah, hadn't told her before being in that place. She also kept insisting I was a good person. Finally changed her mind though."

She scowls as he doesn't answer her, she turns blinking out the water from her eyelashes before she reaches her hand out. She is slow, gentle before she darts quickly to his face and flicks the end of his nose. Her lips tug into a soft, stubborn look as she stared at him seriously. He was good, she believed that.

"Don't argue with me," Cass said in reply to his silence, to his body. She shuddered, raising her shoulders up before sliding her body closer to his. Stretching her legs out, wincing at the noise her clothes make. Turning her head she listened to him curiously before leaning against him. "Won't change mine."

Cass arched her back, placing her hands behind her as she looked up at the water falling down around them.

"You have killed, so have I... but that isn't all who we are. We aren't just killers, we're more than that. We can be more than that," Cass said forcing herself to speak though she would rather just sit in quiet silence with him or show him. "We deserve to be happy. No matter what someone else thinks."

"Kind of realizing you're not going to change your mind."

I'm not agreeing with her, not at all. But I won't argue with her about that for right now. Part of the problem is if I argue against her, it's implying she's not a good person either, which is not true. We'll revisit this another time, but not now.

I watch her movements carefully, trying to discern if there's something unsaid that she's trying to tell me that way. All I'm really getting though is she's flexible and looks good all wet.

"Do I still smell bad or can we turn the water off? And I was growing that beard out for a reason you know."

"Nope," Cass replied simply, closing her eyes before turning her head towards him. Listening to him she shifted slightly before she turned towards him. Leaning on one side, she placed her hand on the other side of Kaine before she leaned across him. Moving close she turned her head before smelling his neck, drawing back she looked at him carefully before shaking her head. "Hn... you're good. For now."

Cass pulled back, before rocking back and moving smoothly to her feet. Leaning up onto her tip toes she turned the shower off before heading towards the towels. Throwing one towards him, Cass looked at him curiously before she peeled off the t-shirt slowly, shivering slightly before she let it fall to the floor.

"Hn, what reason was that?" Cass asked, stepping out of her shorts before padding out into the living area looking for dry and clean(ish) clothes. "Because you were being an idiot."

Again, I'm reminded of just how little problem Cassandra has with personal space. She's practically laying on me as she sniffs me and has no problem with it.

That's nothing compared with how free she is about taking her clothes off. Apparently it's no big deal at all.

"You can't just take your clothes off around someone," I shout at her as I strip off my own clothes and wrap the towel around myself. "How old are you anyway? Could I go to prison for what I just saw?"

Cassandra shrugged, her naked back facing him as she retreated further into the living room. Lifting a cushion, she ran a hand through her hair and tried to ruffle the water out of it. Making a soft noise, she turned her head over her shoulder to look back towards him.

"Why not?" Cass asked, her voice raised slightly as she padded quietly across to her room before ducking into the dark room. Looking for some clothes she paused before leaning out of her room. "Eighteen.... nineteen? And no."

"Just because," I say with a sigh. I don't know of a reason anymore than she does other than you're not supposed to. Not that she's ugly or anything, far from it.

I sit down on the couch and scrub my hands across my face. I should be back in that alley alone, not here with someone like Cass who cares so much about me to do all this. She's making a mistake. I'm going to let her down.

"I guess technically I'm only 12, so you could go to jail for seeing me naked."

"That's not a reason," Cass replied, rolling her eyes and watching him carefully and waiting for him to sit, to stay here with her for the moment. She turned before heading into her bedroom before tugging on an oversized sweater. It hung from her shoulders, exposing them before she padded barefooted out and placed spare, clothes for him on a table. "Didn't see you naked."

Her eyes glanced down at him, her hand reaching out for the twist of fabric where he had gathered the towel. She glanced at him before she nudged him with her foot teasing. Using his strength, she placed her hands on his shoulders and used him to climb over him. Sitting beside him, Cass settled beside him before repeating her question.

"Why the beard?"

"Yes it is, it's just not a good reason."

I feel like I'm the blind leading the blind in that argument. I'm not the most knowledgeable about social conventions and can't really defend the ones that I do know. It's just one of those things.

Like how I'm apparently part of the furniture now, to be climbed on. Not that I mind or care. She hardly weighs anything and her touch his light. Also, despite how cold she was earlier her hands are warm, rough callouses brushing along the skin of my shoulders.

"Don't have to look at my face with a beard. Growing my hair out too."

"Hn," Cassandra replied in vague disgruntled, disbelief. Running a hand down his arm, she tugged it back up before settling once again by his side. Drawing her knees up, she rested them against his thigh before curling into his side. Her hair was still damp, so was he but she didn't mind. He was still here, that was all that mattered. "No, no you're not. I like your face."

Her statement was simple and plain, her fingertips moving to touch his jaw before she scowled at him. "No beards."

I let her curl up against me, telling myself because it's not worth the fight and I don't want to upset her. She went through all the trouble to get me here and she's not going away, so pushing her away would be useless. I also know that I like this, that after telling myself I don't deserve to be close to anyone that this kind of nearness feels good. I shouldn't let it, but it does.

"If you don't want me to have a beard you can shave me then," I say, even though I don't mean that. It hardly takes any time or effort at all to burn the hair off of my face.